So, my wife is pregnant. Full on, no-mistake-about-it, pregnant. I'm actually pretty nervous about it. Not the whole "being a dad" part. I think that part will come pretty easily. My job will be fairly simple regardless of the kid's gender.
If we have a boy, my job will consist of:
1. Chucking baseballs at him until he figures out how to catch them. His pro baseball salary will pay for my retirement cabin on the lake.
2. Telling him not to eat his boogers. Pick 'em then flick 'em. We gotta stay classy.
3. Showing him how to fish. There's nothing the ladies love more than a guy who smells like fish guts.
If we have a girl, my job will be:
1. Spoiling her.
2. Telling her, "Go ask your mom", when she's old enough to have "lady questions".
3. Constantly ridiculing whoever is her generation's Justin Bieber.
No, I'm not worried about any of that. I'm worried about the actual birth. How am I going to make it through that? All the blood and things of that nature, the screaming, the crying. I'm getting queasy just writing about it. I have a friend who recently hit his finger with a hammer and he showed it to me the day it happened. It wasn't bleeding anymore but it was swelled up and purple. But I knew that it had previously been bleeding and it so unnerved me that I had to sit down. Now multiply that swollen finger by a million.
I asked Jamie if it would be possible for me to be in another room while she gives birth. Nope. I don't know why she gets the final say in the matter. She'll be in so much pain and agony that she won't even notice all the "birthing stuff" that will be making my tummy queasy. She can be so selfish.
So I made a compromise with her, agreeing to be in the room and hold her hand but I will be allowed to stand with my nose against the wall. Am I going to look ridiculous? Yes, but I will look less ridiculous than if I pass out, hitting the doctor's lap with my face on the way down.
Real Estate Note: The housing market in Dane County is really heating up. In February of this year, there were 140% more homes sold than in February of 2011. A major reason is the affordability of homes, due to the historically low interest rates and low home prices. If you are looking to buy, now is the time.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Slightly Embarrassed. But Not Really
Everybody has "guilty pleasure" songs. Everybody. Don't act like you don't. I know quite a few hipsters who will talk all day about how Bob Dylan is the greatest American musician of all time (Great poet. Absolutely awful singer. Nails-on-a-chalkboard bad) and how they were fans of the Decemberists before they were popular but can't stand U2 because they are too mainstream. But if The Sign by Ace of Base comes on the radio while they are in the car, you can expect a scene like this:
Like I said, everybody has guilty pleasure songs. That is why I don't feel embarrassed sharing mine. Here are my top 5:
1. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
I think this song gets a bad rap due to the fact that it was massively overplayed when Titanic was causing women to consider leaving their husbands to take a full-time job stalking Leonardo DiCaprio. But it is still a great song and every time I hear the pan flute at the beginning, I subtly turn the radio up and prepare myself for the four and a half minute emotional rollercoaster ride that I am about to embark upon.
2. Rock Your Body - Justin Timberlake
The only song that might get my uncoordinated, Scandinavian self out on the dance floor. In fact, I have a friend who was pursuing a girl and I told him that if he ever won her over, I would grab a cd player, let myself into his house, put this song on, and we would dance our faces off. All without saying a word. Kinda weird? Yes, but it would have been awesome. Sadly, it didn't happen.
3. Another Night - Real McCoy
Nineties dance music still blows away all the lame pop music out there today even though all of it followed basically the same formula: woman singing most of the song with a sort of creepy, deep-voiced guy sprinkled in. It always reminds me of being in middle school and boxing with my buddy in his basement. There was only one pair of boxing gloves so we each had only one. It worked out well because I am left-handed so I naturally took the left one and we wailed on each other. For some reason, we had dance music playing.
4. Don't Stop Believing - Journey
This song has actually gone through a popularity resurgence in recent years but I include it as a guilty pleasure because when it fades back to lameness in the collective mind of the public, I am still going to love it and anonymously request it at wedding receptions.
5. Time of My Life - Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
In my defense, I wasn't a fan of Dirty Dancing. Patrick Swayze had this strange earnestness that creeped me out and Jennifer Grey always looked like a deer in headlights but this song sure was awesome. I was once riding in the car with my wife and mother in law and fell asleep in the backseat. I was out for only about 3 minutes but during those few minutes I dreamed that I sang this song in a duet with some girl. There was a crowd of about 500 and they were going nuts. It's one of only two dreams I've had that I actually remember and is the best one by far.
So those are my top 5 guilty pleasure songs. What are yours?
Real Estate Note: Due to low home prices and near-record low interest rates, the National Association of Realtors Housing Affordability Index hit 193.6 in October, near its record high. If you are renting right now, you could own a house and be paying less monthly than you currently are in rent. I'm going to keep bringing this up until it is no longer the perfect time to buy. Click here to see the full monthly housing affordability index:Affordability Index
Like I said, everybody has guilty pleasure songs. That is why I don't feel embarrassed sharing mine. Here are my top 5:
1. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
I think this song gets a bad rap due to the fact that it was massively overplayed when Titanic was causing women to consider leaving their husbands to take a full-time job stalking Leonardo DiCaprio. But it is still a great song and every time I hear the pan flute at the beginning, I subtly turn the radio up and prepare myself for the four and a half minute emotional rollercoaster ride that I am about to embark upon.
2. Rock Your Body - Justin Timberlake
The only song that might get my uncoordinated, Scandinavian self out on the dance floor. In fact, I have a friend who was pursuing a girl and I told him that if he ever won her over, I would grab a cd player, let myself into his house, put this song on, and we would dance our faces off. All without saying a word. Kinda weird? Yes, but it would have been awesome. Sadly, it didn't happen.
3. Another Night - Real McCoy
Nineties dance music still blows away all the lame pop music out there today even though all of it followed basically the same formula: woman singing most of the song with a sort of creepy, deep-voiced guy sprinkled in. It always reminds me of being in middle school and boxing with my buddy in his basement. There was only one pair of boxing gloves so we each had only one. It worked out well because I am left-handed so I naturally took the left one and we wailed on each other. For some reason, we had dance music playing.
4. Don't Stop Believing - Journey
This song has actually gone through a popularity resurgence in recent years but I include it as a guilty pleasure because when it fades back to lameness in the collective mind of the public, I am still going to love it and anonymously request it at wedding receptions.
5. Time of My Life - Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes
In my defense, I wasn't a fan of Dirty Dancing. Patrick Swayze had this strange earnestness that creeped me out and Jennifer Grey always looked like a deer in headlights but this song sure was awesome. I was once riding in the car with my wife and mother in law and fell asleep in the backseat. I was out for only about 3 minutes but during those few minutes I dreamed that I sang this song in a duet with some girl. There was a crowd of about 500 and they were going nuts. It's one of only two dreams I've had that I actually remember and is the best one by far.
So those are my top 5 guilty pleasure songs. What are yours?
Real Estate Note: Due to low home prices and near-record low interest rates, the National Association of Realtors Housing Affordability Index hit 193.6 in October, near its record high. If you are renting right now, you could own a house and be paying less monthly than you currently are in rent. I'm going to keep bringing this up until it is no longer the perfect time to buy. Click here to see the full monthly housing affordability index:Affordability Index
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
You Won't Leave Empty-Handed
There is one day of the year when it is socially acceptable to wait in line for hours for a store to open (You hear that, gamers? Only one day). That one day is Black Friday, which is descending upon us in a couple days. I've never actually ventured out to any stores on Black Friday but I have heard plenty of horror stories of people not being able to get what they came to buy or worse, being trampled. In order to help you get what you came for on Friday, I've come up with some methods that will ensure your success (I can't prevent you from being trampled other than telling you not to be at the front of the line) and make sure your loved ones get this year's hot fads. Let's jump right in.
1. Physical Violence: This one is simple. If you see someone snatching up the last copy of season 2 of Glee, just give 'em a right hook straight to the kisser. If you act quickly, you can snatch up the prize and head to the register before they even know what happened. Another factor working in your favor is the absolute chaos and pandemonium of Black Friday. If the punch doesn't land as true as you had hoped, tackle a random shopper and yell "Got 'em!". Since no one was able to definitively peg you as the puncher, you are instantly the hero. I'm not going to promise anything, but the appreciative management may let you into the stock room in back to shop in peace.
2. Employee Uniforms: Have one for every store you are going to on Friday. This will allow you access to anywhere in the store. Don't see any more Blu-Ray players on the shelves in Best Buy? Head into the stock room. Can't find the latest knockoff Gucci purse at K-Mart? Raid the layaway department. Just make sure to bring a different shirt to put on before heading to check out your items. An employee spending their time shopping on the busiest day of the year is sure to raise some eyebrows.
3. Teamwork: If you are a guy, have your wife or sister (actually, any willing woman will suffice) yell "Ryan Gosling!" followed by frantic screams as she runs towards the front of the store, pretending to chase him into the parking lot. This will cut the crowd down by 75%. You and the other men will be free to roam the store unencumbered. If you are a woman, your male teammate should follow nearly the same script, with "Ryan Gosling" changed to the name of your local sports star. It is absolutely vital that your "team" consists of both genders. For example, it is not believable as a woman for your female teammate to run while yelling Ryan Gosling's name without you following close behind. He is apparently that good looking.
4. Shop Online: I could've started and ended with this one but that wouldn't be any fun.
Real Estate Note: The housing market is heading upward and the media is finally starting to catch on. Here is some good news from CNN Money: Home Sales Rise in October
1. Physical Violence: This one is simple. If you see someone snatching up the last copy of season 2 of Glee, just give 'em a right hook straight to the kisser. If you act quickly, you can snatch up the prize and head to the register before they even know what happened. Another factor working in your favor is the absolute chaos and pandemonium of Black Friday. If the punch doesn't land as true as you had hoped, tackle a random shopper and yell "Got 'em!". Since no one was able to definitively peg you as the puncher, you are instantly the hero. I'm not going to promise anything, but the appreciative management may let you into the stock room in back to shop in peace.
2. Employee Uniforms: Have one for every store you are going to on Friday. This will allow you access to anywhere in the store. Don't see any more Blu-Ray players on the shelves in Best Buy? Head into the stock room. Can't find the latest knockoff Gucci purse at K-Mart? Raid the layaway department. Just make sure to bring a different shirt to put on before heading to check out your items. An employee spending their time shopping on the busiest day of the year is sure to raise some eyebrows.
3. Teamwork: If you are a guy, have your wife or sister (actually, any willing woman will suffice) yell "Ryan Gosling!" followed by frantic screams as she runs towards the front of the store, pretending to chase him into the parking lot. This will cut the crowd down by 75%. You and the other men will be free to roam the store unencumbered. If you are a woman, your male teammate should follow nearly the same script, with "Ryan Gosling" changed to the name of your local sports star. It is absolutely vital that your "team" consists of both genders. For example, it is not believable as a woman for your female teammate to run while yelling Ryan Gosling's name without you following close behind. He is apparently that good looking.
4. Shop Online: I could've started and ended with this one but that wouldn't be any fun.
Real Estate Note: The housing market is heading upward and the media is finally starting to catch on. Here is some good news from CNN Money: Home Sales Rise in October
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
My Wife Is Fascinating
Sometimes my wife surprises the living daylights out of me. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting her, she is a short, petite southern belle who loves scrapbooking, tea parties, and fashion blogs. She is a bubbly breath of fresh air when everyone else is being "Negative Nancies". The only time I ever heard her burp, a rainbow flew out of her mouth and she just giggled as she skipped away to go cheer up a sick unicorn. She loves Otis Redding and can quote the entire script of the Notebook without thinking. She lets me watch football at home on Sundays even though she hates "the violent sounds" of it and when I'm sick, she tends to all my stupid whinings and wants without rolling her eyes. She wears a sunhat. Knowing all of this about her, I am surprised when she does something that I think doesn't fall in line with my perception of her. Here a couple of examples.
Once, when we were dating, we were hanging out at her house, trying to think of something to do and she suggested that we go outside and shoot some hoops. I hesitated for a moment, thinking about how lame it would be when we had to stand no more than two feet from the basket so she could at least get the ball up to the hoop and I would have to say "Oooh, so close" every time she took a shot. I said yes because as a guy in a dating relationship, "Yes" is the answer to every one of the girl's suggestions. All you single guys need to take note of this. It is very important:
"Hey babe, do you want to have a picnic in a field of daisies, eat brie and crackers, and journal about our feelings for each other on pieces of parchment that we can bind together with wax that has been melted with a candle that we will light together, signifying the light and heat of our unity?"
"Yes."
See how easy that is? Don't put up a fight. If you do, she will be hurt and you will be back to spending your time playing Call of Duty, talking smack to 12-year olds while you wait for E-harmony to find another match for you. Anyway, we went outside and began to shoot hoops. We started playing H.O.R.S.E. and I quickly found myself worried about losing. She had the best shooting form I had ever seen! I couldn't shake her. I resorted to trick shots, such as shooting from a window on the second floor of the house. I made it and so did she. Luckily, I won (barely) but the game took forever. We haven't played since.
Another surprise came just a few years ago. A friend of mine was the lead "singer" of a scream-metal band and said I should come to one of their shows on a certain Friday night. Jamie and I had planned on going on a date that night so I asked her if it would be alright if we just stopped in and checked out a song or two before carrying on with our date. She said that would be fine and we showed up right as my friend's band was getting started. The place was tiny and the music reverberated through our heads like a jackhammer. My buddy was on the stage, screaming into the microphone as if the microphone had wronged him in the most heinous way possible as people thrashed around, throwing themselves into each other and making me nervous. If someone had slammed into Jamie, I would've felt like the lowest of the low for bringing her in there. I can't verify this, but I think I saw a cat being sacrificed in the back corner. It was an absolutely crazy scene. After the second song, I looked at Jamie with a look that said "I am infinitely sorry. Let's get out of here". She just smiled at me and yelled "This is pretty cool! Let's stay until the end". What?!!? If you brought a flower within 100 ft. of this place, it would've wilted and disappeared in a puff of smoke and dust. Yet here she was, taking it all in and having a great time. She won't watch Die Hard with me because it is too violent but if you invite her to a death-metal show complete with blood and fear, she'll ask "What time?"
She is completely and utterly fascinating.
Real Estate Note: I recently showed a house that had laundry everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. It looked like 3,298 people were in the house before being abducted out of their clothes by aliens. Needless to say, my buyers quickly scratched the house off their list. If you are thinking about selling your home and want it to look enticing to buyers, check out these cheap ways to make it look great:
6 Cheap Ways to Stage Your Home
Once, when we were dating, we were hanging out at her house, trying to think of something to do and she suggested that we go outside and shoot some hoops. I hesitated for a moment, thinking about how lame it would be when we had to stand no more than two feet from the basket so she could at least get the ball up to the hoop and I would have to say "Oooh, so close" every time she took a shot. I said yes because as a guy in a dating relationship, "Yes" is the answer to every one of the girl's suggestions. All you single guys need to take note of this. It is very important:
"Hey babe, do you want to have a picnic in a field of daisies, eat brie and crackers, and journal about our feelings for each other on pieces of parchment that we can bind together with wax that has been melted with a candle that we will light together, signifying the light and heat of our unity?"
"Yes."
See how easy that is? Don't put up a fight. If you do, she will be hurt and you will be back to spending your time playing Call of Duty, talking smack to 12-year olds while you wait for E-harmony to find another match for you. Anyway, we went outside and began to shoot hoops. We started playing H.O.R.S.E. and I quickly found myself worried about losing. She had the best shooting form I had ever seen! I couldn't shake her. I resorted to trick shots, such as shooting from a window on the second floor of the house. I made it and so did she. Luckily, I won (barely) but the game took forever. We haven't played since.
Another surprise came just a few years ago. A friend of mine was the lead "singer" of a scream-metal band and said I should come to one of their shows on a certain Friday night. Jamie and I had planned on going on a date that night so I asked her if it would be alright if we just stopped in and checked out a song or two before carrying on with our date. She said that would be fine and we showed up right as my friend's band was getting started. The place was tiny and the music reverberated through our heads like a jackhammer. My buddy was on the stage, screaming into the microphone as if the microphone had wronged him in the most heinous way possible as people thrashed around, throwing themselves into each other and making me nervous. If someone had slammed into Jamie, I would've felt like the lowest of the low for bringing her in there. I can't verify this, but I think I saw a cat being sacrificed in the back corner. It was an absolutely crazy scene. After the second song, I looked at Jamie with a look that said "I am infinitely sorry. Let's get out of here". She just smiled at me and yelled "This is pretty cool! Let's stay until the end". What?!!? If you brought a flower within 100 ft. of this place, it would've wilted and disappeared in a puff of smoke and dust. Yet here she was, taking it all in and having a great time. She won't watch Die Hard with me because it is too violent but if you invite her to a death-metal show complete with blood and fear, she'll ask "What time?"
She is completely and utterly fascinating.
Real Estate Note: I recently showed a house that had laundry everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. It looked like 3,298 people were in the house before being abducted out of their clothes by aliens. Needless to say, my buyers quickly scratched the house off their list. If you are thinking about selling your home and want it to look enticing to buyers, check out these cheap ways to make it look great:
6 Cheap Ways to Stage Your Home
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Make Sure You Have A Plan
With Halloween over, it's time to start looking forward to and planning for Thanksgiving. This is typically the holiday that ushers in the Christmas season (the best time of the year by far) and is the only day in which it is acceptable for a man to wear pants with an elastic waistline while eating as much as possible. There are some who say that this is a disgusting, gluttonous example of American greed and selfishness and that we should be ashamed of it because there are starving people in the world. Normally, I would wholeheartedly agree. But on this day, when the whole point of it all is to see how much we do have and be THANKFUL for it, I say go nuts. A great way to show thankfulness for a gift is to thoroughly enjoy it. Also, someone who is truly thankful for something will be more aware of those who don't have that particular something and will be more inclined to share it because they realize that they are not entitled to it, but have been blessed with it. So, with all that in mind, take 1 day out of the 365 and relax the tension on the bungee cords of dietary self-control. Here are some different methods to make your turkey day eating a success. Some are better than others.
1. The Abstinence Method: This method is for beginners only. It seems logical when preparing to eat as much as possible to not eat anything at all in order to have a maximum of free space in the stomach. However, this actually seems to diminish the stomach's holding capacity and can leave the participant feeling full but greatly disappointed. Feel free to point and laugh.
2. The Stretch It Out Method: The exact opposite of the abstinence method. The theory behind this method is that eating a lot on Thanksgiving morning will stretch the stomach, allowing for plateful after plateful to be consumed during dinner. I can remember using this method inadvertently at the age of 6 when my dad took me to Denny's on Thanksgiving morning so that we wouldn't be in my mom's way as she prepared the dinner. I ate all the pancakes I could handle and we then took a walk through some woods where we came upon a pond. The light snow that was falling gave the scene a very Norman Rockwell-esque look. I immediately proceeded to fall in the water. I will never know whether the large amount I consumed for dinner was due to the large breakfast I had or the hypothermia I was trying to stave off. Jury's still out.
3. The Come Back Method: This involves eating a normal amount and then going back for more while everyone else is watching the football game. This is cheating and cowardly. Don't use this method and then spend Friday telling everyone how much you ate on Thursday. You didn't do it during the meal time. I didn't make this rule known at the beginning because it just seems obvious, much in the same way I don't need to tell you not to shave your grandma's head while she naps. It's obviously outside the bounds of civilized decorum.
4. The Apocalyptic Method: The is the most advanced method, requiring a great amount of mental fortitude and imagination. The user must mentally convince himself that civilization is coming to an apocalyptic end and they may have to wander the wastelands, not knowing when their next meal is going to present itself. Like a squirrel gathering nuts for winter, the user eats the Thanksgiving meal with reckless abandon, storing up energy and calories. Actors and LARP (Live Action Role Playing) players tend to be the best at this method, as fiction and reality are easily blended in their minds. This method does not provide a particularly enjoyable eating experience but the user is usually pleased with the results.
Make sure you have a plan going into Thanksgiving. Having a goal without a plan to make it happen is fruitless. I hope this helps!
Real Estate Note: I keep hammering home the point that right now the market is providing an absolutely amazing opportunity to buy a home. Case in point: Across the country, per capita income has rebounded to 2007 levels while home prices continue to hover around 2002 levels. Those factors, combined with near record low interest rates, have made this a historically great time to buy a home. To read more, check this out: KCM Blog
1. The Abstinence Method: This method is for beginners only. It seems logical when preparing to eat as much as possible to not eat anything at all in order to have a maximum of free space in the stomach. However, this actually seems to diminish the stomach's holding capacity and can leave the participant feeling full but greatly disappointed. Feel free to point and laugh.
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| More effective than Ambien. |
2. The Stretch It Out Method: The exact opposite of the abstinence method. The theory behind this method is that eating a lot on Thanksgiving morning will stretch the stomach, allowing for plateful after plateful to be consumed during dinner. I can remember using this method inadvertently at the age of 6 when my dad took me to Denny's on Thanksgiving morning so that we wouldn't be in my mom's way as she prepared the dinner. I ate all the pancakes I could handle and we then took a walk through some woods where we came upon a pond. The light snow that was falling gave the scene a very Norman Rockwell-esque look. I immediately proceeded to fall in the water. I will never know whether the large amount I consumed for dinner was due to the large breakfast I had or the hypothermia I was trying to stave off. Jury's still out.
3. The Come Back Method: This involves eating a normal amount and then going back for more while everyone else is watching the football game. This is cheating and cowardly. Don't use this method and then spend Friday telling everyone how much you ate on Thursday. You didn't do it during the meal time. I didn't make this rule known at the beginning because it just seems obvious, much in the same way I don't need to tell you not to shave your grandma's head while she naps. It's obviously outside the bounds of civilized decorum.
4. The Apocalyptic Method: The is the most advanced method, requiring a great amount of mental fortitude and imagination. The user must mentally convince himself that civilization is coming to an apocalyptic end and they may have to wander the wastelands, not knowing when their next meal is going to present itself. Like a squirrel gathering nuts for winter, the user eats the Thanksgiving meal with reckless abandon, storing up energy and calories. Actors and LARP (Live Action Role Playing) players tend to be the best at this method, as fiction and reality are easily blended in their minds. This method does not provide a particularly enjoyable eating experience but the user is usually pleased with the results.
Make sure you have a plan going into Thanksgiving. Having a goal without a plan to make it happen is fruitless. I hope this helps!
Real Estate Note: I keep hammering home the point that right now the market is providing an absolutely amazing opportunity to buy a home. Case in point: Across the country, per capita income has rebounded to 2007 levels while home prices continue to hover around 2002 levels. Those factors, combined with near record low interest rates, have made this a historically great time to buy a home. To read more, check this out: KCM Blog
Monday, October 31, 2011
Not My Favorite Holiday
I never got really excited about Halloween as a kid. The thought of having to get all costumed up and knock on people's doors in the dark to ask for candy never appealed to me. First of all, I was never a fan of candy. It's not that my parents were health nuts and wouldn't let me have candy, I just didn't care for it. Desserts, such as pie and ice cream, were much more up my alley. If someone was handing out French silk pies to trick-or-treaters, not only would I have slapped on a Mr. T mohawk and knocked on their door, I would've asked them to adopt me. Secondly, I wasn't a naive kid. I knew that there were weirdos out there who had the potential to do some weird/dangerous stuff to the candy they were giving out. Our neighbor, for instance, was a physicist who would periodically have all of his physicist buddies come over to get drunk and talk about physics as loudly as possible (by the age of 11 I had heard enough alcohol-induced physics arguments to get at least a C- on a college-level physics exam). No way am I taking candy from those guys.
I did go to Halloween parties at school, though. It was fun just to run around with my friends and play all the games (even though candy was the only prize). Except for "bobbing for apples." Again, I wasn't a naive kid. I understood the concept of germs. If I wanted to basically open-mouth kiss all the kids in my school, I'd want more than a "red delicious" apple for my trouble. Those are the worst kind of apples.
I could even be persuaded to put on a costume for those parties. I never cared what it was so I let my parents pick it out for me, which led to some pretty weird results. One year, I showed up to the party as Rush Limbaugh. I didn't even know who that was but my parents thought it was the funniest thing in the world. They had me put on a suit, put a pillow in my shirt, and slick my hair back. My dad even pinned a dollar bill in the shape of one of those AIDS ribbons to my suit jacket. The hilarity was lost on me and my friends but my friends' parents made me pose for roughly 10,000 pictures which took abnormally long because they were laughing too hard to hold their cameras still. The next year I dressed up as a baseball player so I wouldn't be bothered and I could devote all my time to conquering the cardboard box maze.
I even found some ways to enjoy Halloween through high school. One year, me and my friend Seth took the candy we were going to give out up to my parents' roof. When the trick-or-treaters would knock on the door, they were met with a furious hailstorm of candy. The kids loved it. Except for one kid named Stuart. He must have had a previous bad experience with flying candy because he ran out of there screaming like he was having a war flashback. We knew what his name was because his mom went crazy, running down the street hand-in-hand with her son screaming "THEY'RE SHOOTING CANDY AT STUART! THEY'RE SHOOTING CANDY AT STUART!". We thought that was going to keep all the other kids away and we were going to have to wrap it up. Instead, kids' ears turned up and they showed up like vultures to a water buffalo carcass. Our "clientele" doubled.
All that said, have a safe and happy Halloween and if you come across anybody giving out French silk pies, I need to be notified.
Real estate note: Are you wanting to refinance but are "under water" on your loan? Check out this government program that a coworker of mine, Seth Peterson, explains pretty well: http://madisonrealestatedeals.com/
I did go to Halloween parties at school, though. It was fun just to run around with my friends and play all the games (even though candy was the only prize). Except for "bobbing for apples." Again, I wasn't a naive kid. I understood the concept of germs. If I wanted to basically open-mouth kiss all the kids in my school, I'd want more than a "red delicious" apple for my trouble. Those are the worst kind of apples.
I could even be persuaded to put on a costume for those parties. I never cared what it was so I let my parents pick it out for me, which led to some pretty weird results. One year, I showed up to the party as Rush Limbaugh. I didn't even know who that was but my parents thought it was the funniest thing in the world. They had me put on a suit, put a pillow in my shirt, and slick my hair back. My dad even pinned a dollar bill in the shape of one of those AIDS ribbons to my suit jacket. The hilarity was lost on me and my friends but my friends' parents made me pose for roughly 10,000 pictures which took abnormally long because they were laughing too hard to hold their cameras still. The next year I dressed up as a baseball player so I wouldn't be bothered and I could devote all my time to conquering the cardboard box maze.
I even found some ways to enjoy Halloween through high school. One year, me and my friend Seth took the candy we were going to give out up to my parents' roof. When the trick-or-treaters would knock on the door, they were met with a furious hailstorm of candy. The kids loved it. Except for one kid named Stuart. He must have had a previous bad experience with flying candy because he ran out of there screaming like he was having a war flashback. We knew what his name was because his mom went crazy, running down the street hand-in-hand with her son screaming "THEY'RE SHOOTING CANDY AT STUART! THEY'RE SHOOTING CANDY AT STUART!". We thought that was going to keep all the other kids away and we were going to have to wrap it up. Instead, kids' ears turned up and they showed up like vultures to a water buffalo carcass. Our "clientele" doubled.
All that said, have a safe and happy Halloween and if you come across anybody giving out French silk pies, I need to be notified.
Real estate note: Are you wanting to refinance but are "under water" on your loan? Check out this government program that a coworker of mine, Seth Peterson, explains pretty well: http://madisonrealestatedeals.com/
Friday, October 7, 2011
Staying in America From Now On
I usually travel pretty well. I can sit in a plane, car, or train for hours and thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. This has been true since the day I was born. My parents and I used to make the 9 hour trek up to northern Minnesota to visit relatives every year and I would sit in the back, silently contemplating the deep mysteries of existence and looking forward to the day when I would be able to read what all the road signs said. I'm fairly certain my parents had this exchange more than once:
Dad: "Christopher hasn't made a sound in 6 hours. Take a look back there and make sure he's okay."
(Mom turns around and we make eye contact. I raise my "sippy" cup toward her in a gesture that says, "Yep. Still here. Now turn around and let me resume my nose-picking in peace.")
Mom: "He's fine. The weirdest kid ever, but fine."
This personality trait has served me well over the course of my life. I've traveled to quite a few different countries and have always enjoyed the long flights. I've even enjoyed the ridiculously long layovers in overcrowded airports (At an especially long layover at the Incheon International airport in Seoul, South Korea for instance, I parked myself on a chair that had a great view of the entrance and exit to that horizontal escalator thing that all airports have. More people have trouble getting on and off those things than you might think. The hours just flew by). I've sat in a car and driven through Illinois, Iowa, and Nebraska without wanting to fling myself out of the car just to escape the boredom. The only time I've had any traveling issues came as a result of my big mouth.
The year after I graduated from high school I went on a spontaneous road trip with my friends, Grant and Jon. We decided to pack some clothes and toiletries and just start driving. And that's exactly what we did. We started driving east and ended up going into Canada at Niagara Falls, where we encountered a very strange Canadian border patrolman:
Canuck: "What's the purpose of your visit to Canada?"
Grant: "We've never been to Canada and thought we'd check it out."
Canuck: "You've never been to Canada?"
Grant: "Nope."
Canuck (now strangely angry and red in the face): "YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO CANADA?!!?"
Anyway, we spent a few days making our way through Toronto (probably the most beautiful city I've ever seen), Ottawa, and Montreal and decided to re-enter the US in eastern Maine. It was late at night, possibly very early morning, when we came to the border crossing. We were extremely tired and I was not handling it well. You know when you're overly tired and everything makes you laugh as hard as you do when you see a video montage of old people losing their balance on America's Funniest Home Videos? That's how I was that night. We pulled up to the border patrol station and a soldier with a machine gun slung over his back took our passports and began grilling us with questions. Most of the questions revolved around where we worked and it was obvious he was suspicious of us doing a late-night drug run. The air was thick with tension and Grant and Jon were obviously nervous. My sleep-deprived delirium did not allow me to be nervous, leading to this exchange:
Soldier: "What are the chances, if I searched your car, of finding drugs, weapons, or other illegal paraphernalia?"
Me (leaning from the passenger seat to the driver's side window): "Oh jeez. I don't know. I'd say slim to none."
Slim to none?!!? The soldier's eyes instantly widened and he turned his back, speaking into his radio. Grant and Jon were furiously apologizing on behalf of their momentarily deranged friend as other soldiers appeared, guns no longer confined to their backs. One of them searched underneath the car while another one came to my window, asking what kind of drugs they had a "slim to none" chance of finding. I'm pretty sure a german shepherd was sniffing around as well. After not finding anything, the soldiers came to the conclusion that Grant and Jon were making a seemingly good point about their idiot friend and decided to let us go.
As we pulled away, Grant turned to Jon and said, "What are the chances we let Chris talk to anybody else on this trip?"
Jon replied, "I'd say slim to none."
Real Estate Note: Do you know of anyone looking for a gorgeous, unique home on Madison's east side? Check this out: http://717woodlawndr.com
Dad: "Christopher hasn't made a sound in 6 hours. Take a look back there and make sure he's okay."
(Mom turns around and we make eye contact. I raise my "sippy" cup toward her in a gesture that says, "Yep. Still here. Now turn around and let me resume my nose-picking in peace.")
Mom: "He's fine. The weirdest kid ever, but fine."
This personality trait has served me well over the course of my life. I've traveled to quite a few different countries and have always enjoyed the long flights. I've even enjoyed the ridiculously long layovers in overcrowded airports (At an especially long layover at the Incheon International airport in Seoul, South Korea for instance, I parked myself on a chair that had a great view of the entrance and exit to that horizontal escalator thing that all airports have. More people have trouble getting on and off those things than you might think. The hours just flew by). I've sat in a car and driven through Illinois, Iowa, and Nebraska without wanting to fling myself out of the car just to escape the boredom. The only time I've had any traveling issues came as a result of my big mouth.
The year after I graduated from high school I went on a spontaneous road trip with my friends, Grant and Jon. We decided to pack some clothes and toiletries and just start driving. And that's exactly what we did. We started driving east and ended up going into Canada at Niagara Falls, where we encountered a very strange Canadian border patrolman:
Canuck: "What's the purpose of your visit to Canada?"
Grant: "We've never been to Canada and thought we'd check it out."
Canuck: "You've never been to Canada?"
Grant: "Nope."
Canuck (now strangely angry and red in the face): "YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO CANADA?!!?"
Anyway, we spent a few days making our way through Toronto (probably the most beautiful city I've ever seen), Ottawa, and Montreal and decided to re-enter the US in eastern Maine. It was late at night, possibly very early morning, when we came to the border crossing. We were extremely tired and I was not handling it well. You know when you're overly tired and everything makes you laugh as hard as you do when you see a video montage of old people losing their balance on America's Funniest Home Videos? That's how I was that night. We pulled up to the border patrol station and a soldier with a machine gun slung over his back took our passports and began grilling us with questions. Most of the questions revolved around where we worked and it was obvious he was suspicious of us doing a late-night drug run. The air was thick with tension and Grant and Jon were obviously nervous. My sleep-deprived delirium did not allow me to be nervous, leading to this exchange:
Soldier: "What are the chances, if I searched your car, of finding drugs, weapons, or other illegal paraphernalia?"
Me (leaning from the passenger seat to the driver's side window): "Oh jeez. I don't know. I'd say slim to none."
Slim to none?!!? The soldier's eyes instantly widened and he turned his back, speaking into his radio. Grant and Jon were furiously apologizing on behalf of their momentarily deranged friend as other soldiers appeared, guns no longer confined to their backs. One of them searched underneath the car while another one came to my window, asking what kind of drugs they had a "slim to none" chance of finding. I'm pretty sure a german shepherd was sniffing around as well. After not finding anything, the soldiers came to the conclusion that Grant and Jon were making a seemingly good point about their idiot friend and decided to let us go.
As we pulled away, Grant turned to Jon and said, "What are the chances we let Chris talk to anybody else on this trip?"
Jon replied, "I'd say slim to none."
Real Estate Note: Do you know of anyone looking for a gorgeous, unique home on Madison's east side? Check this out: http://717woodlawndr.com
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